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OK, young bucks, class is in session. I see you from afar….you’ve been in quarantine, you feel relaxed, and you think you can just say whatever is on your mind because we’re all in this together. Right?
Wrong. That’s why today’s class is about the three traps to avoid while under house arrest. Fall into any of them and the next thing you know, you’ll be feeling the cold stare of two eyes belonging to your wife or significant other, arms crossed, shaking her head at you.
I MIGHT, ahem, be speaking from personal experience on this.
So trust me. Put down the phone, stop trying to decide which three free fast food items out of 9 you’d rather eat, or choose which house full of famous people you’ll never meet in real life that you’d like to stay at.
This is important.
TRAP NO. 1: By now, your Dad should have taught you to never answer any question that sounds like “does this dress make me look fat?” This is a ticket straight to Cold as Iceland, and the only correct answer is “no dear, you’re perfect in every way.”
But now there is a far more dangerous strain of this kind of question bought on by the extended house arrest. Beauty shops and barber shops are closed all over the land, and in some cases, the lengthy inability to see a hair specialist is resulting literally in us seeing some people’s “true colors.”
You might live with one. And she might bait you into a trap with questions like “I haven’t had my hair done in 6 weeks and I think it still looks great. You don’t see a single gray hair do you?”
If you feel you HAVE to be honest, immediately go poke your eyes out so you can say “no, I am blind.” But otherwise, the correct answer is “absolutely not, and I never noticed any before either. You’re perfect in every way.”
TRAP NO. 2: As mentioned, barber shops are also closed and if you didn’t time your last haircut properly, you might look like you’re ready for a polyester jacket, three-inch heels and a trip to the 1970s disco era. Comb it any way you want, but you’re still going to look like a backup musician for the Grateful Dead. Wearing a hat over it helps a little, but at some point it starts to look like you put a baseball cap on top of a curled up labradoodle. Something will need to be done.
It is as this point your helpful wife or significant other may say something like “I think I could cut it for you.” Your response might be to say things like “Oh heck no” or “I think I could be a nuclear scientist too, but that’s not going to happen either.”
Instead, make a joke about it not being that bad. Say things like “too bad we didn’t buy a Flowbee in the 80s.” Hide any bowl about the size of your head. Gently deflect. Say things like “It’s not really necessary. But if you did, I’m sure it would be perfect in every way.”
Otherwise, she’s going to go get the dog groomer kit. And give you a “Chihuahua Cut.”
TRAP NO. 3: Sometimes the other person in the house gets restless. She will look at areas around your home and say things like “these shelves really need to be dusted.”
Danger, Will Robinson.
Saying something like “You’ve got the time, go ahead” may seem innocent. Until she’s got you hauling boxes out of the basement and scraping the wallpaper off the kitchen walls. There’s a reason they call it “spring cleaning” and right now it happens to be spring. Don’t open Pandora’s Box. It may stop at just those shelves. But it might not, and if that happens, the only one you can blame is yourself.
A better answer might be “one day maybe we both can work on that together. But for now, let’s just enjoy the day, because overall, the house looks great. You could even say it’s PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.
This concludes today’s class. Watch and learn, young bucks. Watch and learn.