Starting Tonight, The Bane Of Every Man’s Autumn Existence Begins

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Well guys, I’ve got some bad news for you.

As you sit back and think about all the sporting events you’re going to watch this weekend, there’s a death star on the horizon. And Luke Skywalker will not be showing up to fire two proton torpedoes into a two-meter opening to blow up the reactor core.

Starting tonight, the bane of every man’s autumn existence – Hallmark Christmas Movies – begins.

It’s not that the movies are somewhat predictable – we’ll get to that in a minute – but they have evolved over the years from a television show to a test of your relationship with your significant other. For example, I got an email from my wife at 11:35 AM today with a graphic that said “Countdown to Christmas: All new original movies every Friday, Saturday and Sunday at 8/7 central.”

At the top was this message: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!! Pick the ones you want to watch with me!!”

Grasshoppers, I know what you’re thinking, but the answer can never be none. At a minimum you’re going to have to watch 3. Maybe more if you hold true to your male roots and mess up a few times between now and the holidays.

You may also be thinking three days a week isn’t that bad and if the two of you are busy on those days, you’ll escape watching that particular movie.

Wrong again, young buck.

Within minutes of receiving the email, my wife announced she had successfully set up the DVR to record EVERY SINGLE ONE of those movies going out into the future. This way they can be watched at a slow, relaxed pace, like on Thursday night when you were going to use your Prime membership and watch Patrick Mahomes throw to Travis Kelce while hearing announcers mention Taylor Swift 27 times.

There is no escape.

When you do watch along with your significant other, I would strongly advise that you not notice out loud how similar the plots are for these cinematic treasures. Yes, they always involve a woman who lived in the big city, but now due to circumstances beyond her control has had to return to the small town she grew up in. She finds a job or starts a business as a florist, a baker, running a coffeeshop, or maybe even volunteering at an animal shelter.

But there is evil in the world, and it manifests itself in some corporation or rich businessman who wants to buy where this business is and turn it into a parking lot. As the damsel in distress struggles with this, in walks a man of seemingly meager existence wearing blue jeans and drives a pickup truck. He wants to hear every detail of this drama. He wants to help.

A date ensues. He’s just wonderful, the lead character thinks, until there is some misunderstanding. This causes them to part ways. The woman is sad, while the man is mystified as to what he did. They go on with their lives until an accidental meeting where the man apologizes for everything he never did, they embrace and kiss, and they all live happily ever after.

Also, it is then revealed that the man of meager existence driving the pick up truck is filthy rich. He’s driving the truck to get back and forth to all his successful businesses. In some cases, we find out he’s even part of royalty and now the woman is a princess.

You may be tempted to notice this while watching, but it is a road to silence and unhappiness. You will first get a rolling of the eyes. Then a hands-on-hips “what is wrong with you?” look. Strike three begins with “if you’re going to be like this you might as well go watch something in the other room.”

This may seem like victory. Until the next time you’re hungry. Or need clean clothes. Or want to have a conversation with someone other than the dog.

Don’t do it.

Instead, go to social media and commiserate with the rest of us dogs chained and lying under the porch. Enjoy the stories of those older than you who also once thought they could get out of this. Give in to the dark side, grab yourself a snack and just take it like a man.

Resistance is futile. The death star is undefeated.

Be strong. After tonight there’s only 65 days left until Christmas.  ?

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